ravings of a quiet child

I shall write because i am compelled to write
An urge has erupted in me,
I shall write because i choose to gamble
I throw the dice- my fate, caution is a word i cannot fathom

For I must know who I am.
I think,
I think I can write,
but,what is it that i want to write?
what can i write?

Sordid tales of my trivial life
Of silences, blank spaces
the dark of the night.. the gentle swish swishing of the eucalyptus
as i sit in my balcony one cold winter night.

Paradoxically, I think i am capable of writing something
But this is not what i intended to write,
I wanted to write about me...
I and me, that is all i know
that is all i can think of..

I choose not to think beyond perimeters ,
fences that i have created,
boundaries that i want to preserve.
I have drawn these infallable lines,
and yet i want to break them, erase them, banish them
Guilt is thus my child.

I believe... I think
I dwell in my own desires,
raped by my own thoughts,
I exist.

The struggle to be sane, in this insane world
the bonds that hold us together
and yet sometimes one wants to break free of them

Run wild
Run fa
Run fast
Run .......
Run to live another life, run to die another death!!

I write,
But in reality it is not me who writes,
I want to write about this young girl i once knew
She was quiet, an ideal child,
desperate for attention and love

Of closets of lies, deciept and deception,
Coercion in love or love in coercion
Spaces and moments captured in frames
That is all that remains of her life!!

She was liked by everyone-she believed that everyone liked her
the frilly frock and the cute hair braiding hid it all,
to a world which was much to glad to turn the other way
It was important that everyone liked her.
Daddy pride and mom's darling- princess she was popularly called!!!

But i dont want to think of her...
I want to control my thoughts, my mind

I want to think about me...
Yet my thoughts betray me,
a small betrayal considering the numerous times i have betrayed myself

Love, an abstraction, have i ever known love,
I dont know, i dont understand me...
I change, as if i am another being
The "i"'s in me...

My mind is a chessboard of moments,
Of honour, and love
And silence and peace
I am a product of guilt,
Stories untold,
Numbness, blankness, hurt, pity and anger

I am
Who i am .. a child, a girl, a woman!!!

I still think
I am supposed to

I function
I sleep
I study
I cry
I laugh